Did I ever tell you about the time I threw up in my roommates car?
September 9th, 2009We were at a club in San Angelo, Texas. To those of you who have never been to San Angelo, TX it is a nice town. San Angelo State is there as well as Goodfellow AFB. I was lucky enough to spend 8 months there in 1994-1995 and then another 4 months there in 1996. Some of my best friends in the world I met while living in San Angelo and some of the best Funky Cold stories took place there. Actually while training at Goodfellow I was forever branded “Funky Cold Massena” by an Air Force TSgt who happened to be my instructor, so really San Angelo is the birthplace of Funky Cold, but that is another story entirely. This story is about one of the many times I drank myself into obilivian, not something I’m proud of, but those moments of drunken idiocy provided my friends with many laughs, so I’m glad to help out there.
There weren’t many clubs in San Angelo, but this one played house music and we liked to go there to dance and meet girls. I don’t remember the name of the club, but I remember that the guy at the door let us in even though we weren’t 21. We just had to show our military ID’s and he would stamp our hands. I have many stories about this club so for future reference I’ll refer to it as “Club House.”
On this particular night, like most night when we were out drinking, I was pretty well hammered. I remember my friends wanting to go to some country bar or something and I was feeling sick. I just wanted to go home and sleep it off. They left me there because I was being a bigtime ass-hat about something, probably whining like a little girl about wanting to sleep or something. My roommate was there trying to pick up some college girl and I was bugging him about giving me a ride back to the barracks because I was sick. I don’t remember much about the night other than I was relentless about wanting to go back to the barracks so I could try and sleep off the damage that to many beers had done. After an hour or so of cock blocking he gave in and offered to drive me back to the barracks. I waited outside for him for a while and he finally came out to take me home. He was pretty annoyed to have to take me back to the room instead of going with this girl. I was apologizing, and he kept saying “No problem, man. That’s what friends do.”
He was lying. He did have a problem with it, because he drove home like a manic. I kept telling him to slow down. I didn’t like him taking the corners too fast because I was going to get sick all over his car. He assured me that he wasn’t driving out of the ordinary. To be honest, he probably wasn’t. Jimmy always drove like he was in a high speed chase, but when your drunk and bug your roommate for a ride home you tend not to remember little details about their driving style. By the time we got up to the base and were going through the checkpoint I had had enough. I ended up vomiting out of the window of his Geo Metro hatchback. Of course I happened to vomit while we were at the gate right in front of the SP’s (Air Force cops). They probably should have brought me in for underage drinking, but I guess the humiliation of puking my guts out in front of them was enough because I woke up in my own bed. To this day, I think my roommate told them about the drive home and they probably thought that was punishment enough.
Jimmy was about as good of a roommate as one could have. On more than one occasion he made sure that I got home ok and he always made sure that I got out of my smoke smelling, vomit crusted, piss dribbled, cheap perfume smelling party clothes before I crawled into my nice clean sheets. As homo-erotic as that sounds, I don’t think Jimmy liked helping square me away before bed time, but he did it anyway, like a good roommate. Despite the rough ride home I’m thankful that I didn’t have to wash my sheets the next day.
I apologized the next morning. He responded with the usual, “no problem, man”. We never said another word about it.
Note: Good room mates are hard to find. Jimmy was a pretty good guy, but he was extremely weird. Stay tuned for future stories about his “movie career”, his stripper girlfriend, his weird bedtime ritual and his hair piece.