Story time with Funk

We were at a club in San Angelo, Texas.  To those of you who have never been to San Angelo, TX it is a nice town. San Angelo State is there as well as Goodfellow AFB. I was lucky enough to spend 8 months there in 1994-1995 and then another 4 months there in 1996. Some of my best friends in the world I met while living in San Angelo and some of the best Funky Cold stories took place there. Actually while training at Goodfellow I was forever branded “Funky Cold Massena” by an Air Force TSgt who happened to be my instructor, so really San Angelo is the birthplace of Funky Cold, but that is another story entirely. This story is about one of the many times I drank myself into obilivian, not something I’m proud of, but those moments of drunken idiocy provided my friends with many laughs, so I’m glad to help out there.

There weren’t many clubs in San Angelo, but this one played house music and we liked to go there to dance and meet girls.  I don’t remember the name of the club, but I remember that the guy at the door let us in even though we weren’t 21. We just had to show our military ID’s and he would stamp our hands. I have many stories about this club so for future reference I’ll refer to it as “Club House.”

On this particular night, like most night when we were out drinking, I was pretty well hammered.  I remember my friends wanting to go to some country bar or something and I was feeling sick.  I just wanted to go home and sleep it off. They left me there because I was being a bigtime ass-hat about something, probably whining like a little girl about wanting to sleep or something.  My roommate was there trying to pick up some college girl and I was bugging him about giving me a ride back to the barracks because I was sick.  I don’t remember much about the night other than I was relentless about wanting to go back to the barracks so I could try and sleep off the damage that to many beers had done. After an hour or so of cock blocking he gave in and offered to drive me back to the barracks. I waited outside for him for a while and he finally came out to take me home.  He was pretty annoyed to have to take me back to the room instead of going with this girl.  I was apologizing, and he kept saying “No problem, man.  That’s what friends do.”

He was lying.  He did have a problem with it, because he drove home like a manic.  I kept telling him to slow down.  I didn’t like him taking the corners too fast because I was going to get sick all over his car.  He assured me that he wasn’t driving out of the ordinary. To be honest, he probably wasn’t. Jimmy always drove like he was in a high speed chase, but when your drunk and bug your roommate for a ride home you tend not to remember little details about their driving style. By the time we got up to the base and were going through the checkpoint I had had enough. I ended up vomiting out of the window of his Geo Metro hatchback.  Of course I happened to vomit while we were at the gate right in front of the SP’s (Air Force cops).  They probably should have brought me in for underage drinking, but I guess the humiliation of puking my guts out in front of them was enough because I woke up in my own bed. To this day, I think my roommate told them about the drive home and they probably thought that was punishment enough.

Jimmy was about as good of a roommate as one could have. On more than one occasion he made sure that I got home ok and he always made sure that I got out of my smoke smelling, vomit crusted, piss dribbled, cheap perfume smelling party clothes before I crawled into my nice clean sheets. As homo-erotic as that sounds, I don’t think Jimmy liked helping square me away before bed time, but he did it anyway, like a good roommate. Despite the rough ride home I’m thankful that I didn’t have to wash my sheets the next day.

I apologized the next morning.  He responded with the usual, “no problem, man”.  We never said another word about it.

Note: Good room mates are hard to find.  Jimmy was a pretty good guy, but he was extremely weird.  Stay tuned for future stories about his “movie career”, his stripper girlfriend, his weird bedtime ritual and his hair piece.

Let me just say upfront that this story isn’t as exciting as it sounds. I did actually meet Mr. Nimoy in person and it was a total accident that we met. I had won some tickets to a comic book or sci-fi convention from calling into the local new station and being the 11th caller. I wasn’t particularly interested in going to the convention, but since I had free tickets to get in I figured what the heck. I decided to take my girlfriend, Joey with me even though she wasn’t that into Sci-Fi either. We figured it was something different to do on a Saturday.

I picked her up in my 1971 Nova, which to this day is one of the greatest cars I’ve ever owned. We drive 50 miles to the busting metropolis of St. Louis to one of the downtown hotels (I can’t recall which one) and enter into into some kind of alternate reality. I don’t know if you’ve every been to a Sci-Fi or comic book convention, but it is a truly unique experience. It is the only place where you can walk around and see Starfleet Officers, Klingon’s, Vulcans, Storm Troopers, Jedi, Predators, Aliens (from the Alien movies) Terminators and various superheros in the same place. I was (and still am) amazed at the amount of grown people who dress up like fictional non-human creatures and pretend. Most of the folks I met that day actually had jobs during the day, but when they weren’t at work being Joe Snuffy they were dressed up like Glarxkx the Klingon Warlord or whatever. I admire them because I don’t have the emotional strength to be two people, especially if one has ridges on his head and is an intergalactic killing machine.

Lenord Nimoy was the featured speaker that day we I decided to make Joey sit through his talk. It was actually pretty interesting. He talked about directing Star Trek IV, you know the crappy one with the whales. He also talked in great length about his pet project. It was a movie about Siamese Twins. I know the politically correct term is Conjoined Twins, but the dudes in the story were actually Siamese, so Siamese Twins is technically correct. He seemed real authentic and quite an interesting person. I especially liked a story he told about leaving the set one day and going to his other job (I don’t remember what it was, but it was some kind of food service or hotel worker or something). He talked about people staring at him because he forgot to take off the Spock ears. This was well before Star Trek was a global phenomenon. If he drove around with Spock ears today people would probably think he is just a Spock look alike going to perform at a birthday party. Ahh, what a difference a couple decades and thousands of rabid fans can do.

While it was interesting to hear him speak, but it wasn’t really exciting. Kind of like how I imagine Capt. Kirk must have felt when ever Spock was droning on about flux capacitors or dilithim crystals or some logical crap. After he got done we walked around a bit more. We’d already seen tons of Stormtroopers, a couple Red Sonija’s, a Superman, a Spiderman, a few Robocops, etc. and we had grown pretty bored with it all. We decided that for some reason it would be cool to find the service elevator and ride to the top floor. Really we just wanted to make out in the elevator and we figured that there would be less Sand People in the service elevator (Star Wars reference for all of you fans). We find the service elevator and ride to the top. Of course service elavators are boring so we natrually start making out (our plan all along anyway if you remember). When we reach the top floor the doors open and to our suprise there stands Mr. Nimoy and a couple other guys (obviously his body guards). He clears his throat which brings us out of the passionate embrace and into reality. We break apart from each other and stand there for a minute. Joey straightens her shirt and smiles that big grin of hers and asks, “going down?”

Spock and his body guards look at us. I could tell they were wondering if we were there with the convention or just two kids making out in an elevator. Since Joey wasn’t dressed like Wonder Woman and I wasn’t a Jedi Knight he probably figured the latter. After a moment he gives a nod and says something like “its ok guys” and gets on the elevator. We start heading down and a few seconds pass.

Joey: “Hey aren’t you the guy we say talking earlier about the whale movie and the twins?”

You see, Joey was never shy and she had no filter. She was kind of a stereotypical bubbly blonde. She wasn’t dumb, but her outgoing personality and her ear to ear grin made her appear like an airhead. Anyway, Spock turns around and says in his deep voice:

Nimoy: “Yes I am…are you enjoying the convention?”

Before I could intervene, Joey chimes in with:

Joey: “Oh, I’m not a Sci-fi geek, my boyfriend got some free tickets so we figured we’d come check it out. You know you look a lot like the guy who plays Spock only older.”

Nimoy (smiles): “I get that a lot.”

So we ride all the way down to the parking garage with Commander Spock and his two red shirt tough guys (a geek Star Trek reference for ya). There was some small talk made between Mr. Nimoy and his dudes. Joey probably asked some crazy questions or said some other weird stuff. That was kind of her thing talking to people like they had been friends forever. People didn’t seem to mind much because she was cute and seemed harmless. I on the other hand rode in utter silence. I coun’t think of a single cool thing to say. Looking back I wish I would have taken the opportunity to ask him a question or at least told him my name. Of course this was waaaay before cellphones and thus I wasn’t able to get the cheezy cellphone camera pic of me and Spock in a service elevator. I didn’t even bring a camera to the convention so photographic evidence of this whole transaction does not exist. That is a shame because nothing would be better than a picture of me, and Joey with a freaked out Lenord Nimoy. The elevator stops at the parking garage and the door opens. The body guards step out and Mr. Nimoy follows. As he is exiting the elevator he turns back and looks at me and Joey.

Nimoy: “Nice to meet you. I hope you enjoy the rest of the convention.”

He gives us a wink and then walks on. The doors close and immediatly Joey jumps on me and starts back into our makeout section like nothing happened. On the way home I explained to her who the guy was and his significance to the Sci-Fi community and she just giggles. She probably knew the whole time who he was. That’s typcial Joey. She liked to play into the dumb blond sterotype. I think it was fun for her.

So that’s how I met Lenord Nimoy.

Note: don’t turn down a chance to doing something out of the ordinary. You’ll never know who you’ll meet. Also, young chicks like to make out in adventurous places like elevators. Also also, always have a camera on you if you go to a Sci-Fi convention. You may not get trapped in an elevator with a famous alien, but you may never get another chance to take a picture of Darth Vader standing next to a Starfleet Officer again in your entire life.

I’ve never really believed in the existence of intelligent life on other planets or the Loch Ness Monster and I’m not convinced that Sasquatch is running around picking berries and hiding out in the woods. I figure that if there is such a thing as Bigfeet running around, they probably would make like the Geico caveman and at least try and get their own TV show. Wouldn’t you watch a reality TV show about a family of Sasquatch hiding out from the rest of the world? What about having Bigfoot on Survivor, that’s for sure a million dollar winner right there. So while I’m not convinced that some giant hairy ape man is running around, I do know that while camping in the Sierra Nevada Mountains one time I heard…something.

There is a camping spot along Dinky Creek that we have frequented in the past. It is a quiet place to go spend a week in the woods away from civilization. Actually it is the kind of spot that if Bigfoot does exist he would probably want to live there. It is a beautiful place.

On this one particular night a few years ago (summer of 2004 I believe) we were up at that spot camping. My brother-in-law Dustin had his toy hauler camping trailer up there with his family. I took my boys up to join them for the weekend and there were various other family members there off and on throughout the week. We spent our days fishing, riding dirt bikes, taking the Jeep through the woods, hiking and relaxing around camp. We spent our evenings around the campfire joking, telling stories, laughing and just enjoying hanging out with family and friends.

One night after everyone else had gone to bed, Dustin, Kenny (Dustin’s dad) and I were sitting around the fire. We weren’t saying much, just a bit of idle chatter. Mostly we were enjoying the fire and the nice summer night. It was getting late, I’m not sure what time it was, but it was well past dark. Kenny had just told some joke or a funny story. I don’t remember what Kenny had been talking about, but I remember us laughing when we heard “the sound.”

Have you ever had all the joy and laughter of a moment suddenly choked off? Not sucked out of you, not gradually fade away, but abruptly stopped. It was as if “the sound” didn’t want to compete with other noise and magically destroyed all other sound waves instantly.

After hearing it, I looked over at Kenny and his eyes were big as saucers and he had a weird grin on his face. I’m guessing he had the laughter choked out of him like I did when we heard “the sound”. He looked at Dustin, then at me. “I’m going to bed” was all he said as he got up and disappeared into the camper. Dustin and I kicked some dirt on the fire and I went to my tent, but I didn’t sleep. I was way too nervous and more than a bit curious about that sound.

I can’t possibly describe the sound too you, but I’ll try. Close your eyes…wait you can’t read with your eyes closed, so finish reading then, then close your eyes and……

Imagine Bigfoot. Picture him walking around the woods in the middle of the night. Picture him being huge and hairy and pissed about something. Maybe Ms. Bigfoot made him go get some fish from the creek because she had a midnight craving for trout, maybe he forgot his butt wiping stick when he was out picking berries. Maybe he was just in a bad mood. Now imagine that he was walking around in the woods in the middle of the night, all big and hairy and pissed off AND he jams his big toe into a tree stump. He was already pissed about something and now he breaks his toe on an effing tree. Got the image in your head? Good, now imagine the sound that pissed off Sasquatch lets out when he stubs his toe in the middle of the night.

Did it scare you? Well, whatever strange sound your imagination conjured up is nothing like what we heard that night. That moment in time is one of the weirdest moments of my life (and those of you who know me understand that I’ve had some weird moments in my life.) I told you it is indescribable. What we heard was far more strange and interesting than anything my story could help you conjure up in your mind.

When I talk about this, most people think I’m crazy. Most people think I heard a bear or wolf or some other kind of animal. I guess if you know Kenny or Dustin you can ask them how they remember the sound and see if their recollection is the same as mine. Maybe I’m remembering it different than it actually happened. Let me be totally clear when I say I have never heard a sound like it. I’m not saying that what we heard was bigfoot. I’ve spent hours and hours searching bigfoot sites on the Internet, watching tv shows about bigfoot, etc. I’ve scoured the internet trying to find bear calls, or wild animal sounds so I could say, “we heard a (insert real animal here) that night”. As a kid I spent Nothing I’ve seen, heard, or read about matches the sound we heard that night. I found something close on an internet site claiming to be a recording of Sasquatch, but it wasn’t quite the same. Maybe it was a bad recording and maybe hearing the sound in the middle of the night in the woods somehow makes it seem scarier than it really is. I have found nothing that comes close to what I remember.

Looking back, I was frightened, but I was never really afraid that whatever made that noise was a threat. To be honest, the sound wasn’t one of rage. It was more of a frustrated expression of unexpected discomfort. Whatever made that sound and whatever the reason, I certainly didn’t want any part of it that night.